-Deleted MySpace [again]
-Nicole is amazing.
-I am stable.

New car:

and, Nicole:

:]

-Lea

Maybe today will be better, maybe today will be new. Maybe today I can do something without thinking about all of this.

I was going to call you today and talk to you and apologize for being such a little bitch, but when I think about it, I already did.

I'm tired, and bored and this town feels like it's getting smaller and smaller, or maybe it feels like that because there's nothing to do, there has always been nothing to do, but we always had fun. I don't know...

Maybe regretting it is awful of me, but we can't help the way we feel.

I'm going to put every feeling and every thought that you have heard thousands of times, so you will truly know what you did to me.
I heard through a friend that you didn't get why I'm so hurt over you leaving me. Well, maybe it's because you're the only person I could look at and just know that I loved. You were everything to me. All through high school you were my crush, my butterflies, my love, my friend, my everything. You were the one that first made me feel loved and important, only then to make me feel like nothing, like just another fuck.
I remember when it all started... I saw you, and from that second on I loved you. It took me a while to do anything about it, but I did.

The first year we were together, everything seems like a blur. I remember the tears more than the smiles, I remember him more than I remember you. It seemed like the only time you wanted me then, was when he was being an asshole to you. I remember the first time we kissed, I remember when the first time we held hands... I remember how shy, uncomfortable and awkward I was, but I was only like that because I liked you so much. I remember we were sitting there on the couch, sitting close and you whispered it in my ear, I didn't think you actually said it, but you did, and when I realized I said it back, and I meant every bit of it.

But no matter how much you said it or showed it, I always felt second best to him. They say that jealousy will drive a person mad, I tried to brush it off, and not care but how could I not? The girl that I was so in love, who I was willing to anything for was fucking and loving another guy the whole time... I couldn't do it, it was killing me and it broke me.

I remember I tried to get you back, I remember kissing you and trying to make you want me again. It seemed like it wasn't ever worth it. Then I remember Shar, and Kristen and Emili, and how then you wanted me then. I remember the first time we ever slept together, and how when you asked if I was uncomfortable, it made me feel like you really cared. Because the truth is, I was most comfortable when I was with you, because when I was with you, I felt safe.

Then we were "us" again. All summer we were together, I remember waiting for my days off, or getting off early just to go see you, and no matter how much we hung out I was always so excited to see you. The drive to your house seemed endless because I was so anxious to see you. It was perfect, everything was perfect... I came home from Seattle that night, and I asked you, and you said yes, I felt goofy and giggly, and it seemed like you were too... You were mine and I was yours and it seemed like it would always be that way.

School started, winter came, she came...

I remember when I knew it wasn't going to last. It was that night, there was you, Logan, Chelsea and me. We went to around stores and then we took Logan home. I fell asleep in your room, and it was when I walked out into your living room and saw you sitting so close to her, and when you didn't get up to even hug me goodbye, that's when I knew it was done, and that there was nothing I could do fix it. All that day you all you could talk about was her and how I had to hurry to pick her up, and how that night you were always playing with her hair, and giggling with her, that's when I knew she was you're new me.

We fought at Hastings, and we fought again then next night, and that same night was the last night... I had never cried in front of you, or held you tighter than ever that night. I had never felt so scared to walk out of your room that night, knowing that the next time I'd see you woudn't be the same.

"Promise me this won't be the last time we kiss..." It was the last time we kissed where there was any real feeling left. I hung out with you the next night wanting so bad to hold your hand, and when I dropped you off we hugged, I wanted to kiss you, I said I love you, you said it too, but I don't think it meant anything.

And now here I am... Typing this out where you probably won't see it because you don't care. You have her, and you're happy, so why do I matter anymore? I'm nothing to you now... even if you say I'm not, it sure as hell feels that way.

But the whole point of this was to put out there how I really feel. I feel sick. I can't eat, sleep, or concentrate on anything. I feel like I never meant to you the way you meant to me, like I was just a little high school fling, or just another fuck, like I really didn't matter.

But I want you to know, Chelsea, you took my smile away, you took my ambitions, my dreams, my motivation and any optimism I had away. This is not a guilt trip, it's a reality check to tell you that you fucked me up, and I will never be the same Leann again. There will never be an "us" again, you will never hold me or be close to me again, even if you wanted it, I won't let it, because I know someone once again will come along and you won't need me anymore. You will never hold me, kiss me, or anything ever again, but it's not like you care anyway... I wake up everyday hoping to God that I won't dwell on it, but I do. Every fucking day I feel like a failure, a fuck up, a dumbass, and that I will never be good enough for anyone.

I gave you everything I could. I gave my heart, my feelings, and everything I could give to you, just to have you throw it away. You're not a bad person, Chelsea, you're just not Chelsea anymore... If you think you're friends are being "mean" to you because of me, think again. I have nothing to do with that, I hardly ever talk to them with the exception of Erin. They've told me, and it has nothing to with me. Jacob told me, and Erin told me, and not once was "you hurt Leann, you're a bitch" was mentioned in it.

I will always love you, and when you really decide you need me, I will be there, but nothing more than a last resort. You can hate me, you're friends and family can, but I don't care, because I never cared what anyone thought about me except for you, but now, you mean nothing more to me than the past.

I hugged you, out of respect. I did that so you wouldn't think I hate you, or ignoring you. I wanted to talk to you, but I bit my tongue. It seems better that way, not talking... I'm sorry if I seem like an asshole about this, but you need to realize what YOU did to ME, and how no matter what, I will never be the Leann we all knew again, because I may be smiling and giggling on the outside, but on the inside, I feel like shit, and it's all because of you.

I know you can't help the way you feel, so I am making it very clear that this is not a guilt trip, I don't feel sorry for you ever.

But just know that you lost me, and that I was willing to give you everything I could, I was willing to be everything to you, I was willing to give up anything for YOU. I would have given you the world if I could, Chelsea...